Exposed Ashley Madison users deserve more empathy
Five years after the big Ashley Madison data breach, I only recently realized how unethical and irresponsible journalists may have handled this scandal. I now know at least one of them has treated the leaked data as if its users were cheaters and perverts. But fact is, probably many of them weren’t even a cheater. A part of the so-called second love community just tries to discretely maintain their model of open relationships, because otherwise society stigmatises them.
I was watching a round-the-table talk show where the host was introducing a tech crime journalist as a kind of rock star (not entirely surprising, they have the same employer). Besides this journalist would have helped with hunting down members of the child porn community, which is of course a good effort (but not better than the efforts of a healthcare worker, to mention an example), he was firstly introduced as hero contributor to the news regarding the Ashley Madison data breach. Well, to demystify this heroic work: in 2015, Sherlock Holmes just downloaded all the leaked data from BitTorrent and wrote down for local readers in which cities across the country exposed users were mostly residing and what some of them were willing to pay for the service. That’s it. It’s something you can easily do whilst drinking a beer and listening to music.
But what struck me: I recalled again that a professional acquaintance, who had not contacted me back then for quite some time, messaged me 5 years ago with a picture of him and this journalist and the message he wants to say ‘hi’ to me. Just for your information: I never spoke to this journalist before. As far as I know, and I know, only his girl (nope, just a professional acquaintance 😉) once told me about him, his work and her help with sorting out data from the Ashley Madison breach. But how would/should he know? So, the Whatsapp message of the acquaintance (once a client and colleague) was very random and off-topic. Yet only since last week it came to me: the guy most probably wanted to give a hint he found me as one of Ashley Madison’s users. Because I was. Something nobody actually should be ashamed of, but unfortunately we’re forced in a mostly narrow-minded world that includes this guy.
Research shows that people with a second love that have the consent of their first love to maintain an additional relationship, do not only experience a high quality of life but also more affection to their primary love partner. A recent example of such research has been published last year: a team of academics had interviewed 273 men and 100 women who were paying users of Second Love, an international dating site with a similar subscription service as Ashley Madison had offered. “Feeling free to explore sexuality with others is considered one of the most appealing aspects”, the researchers wrote in conclusion.
As you can see in the chart below, there are many motivations to start seeking for additional sexual or romantical relationships. In my case, I would position myself in the category ‘personal growth’, more specifically ‘self-confidence’.
Let me explain. As they have severely bullied me as a teenager because of my lanky appearance, I felt so excluded and humiliated I became depressed and wasn’t able to develop as quick as those around me who weren’t. After a very tough period that overextended my pre-university years, I found the love and stability to develop myself and graduate as bachelor and master in science. Yet still, I graduated for a second time at age 28, whereas without all my struggles I would have finished my student time when I was 24 years old. Or as 25-year-old, because otherwise I’d probably first have gone out for backpacking across Australia after school. But alright, the cynical amongst us can argue that this is just a small first world problem.
But that’s just a small slice of the deficit of having been bullied. Around the time I built a career for around five years, a mix of negative emotions started to surface, feelings that made clear I never really processed my tough time as a teenager in the right way. To keep it short: I never shared my emotions and experience of my adolescence with close ones, I never sought the closure I needed. In the meantime, I felt strongly I missed out on the adventures and life-time experiences which I would have taken on as one happy and well-developed teenager. I felt so sad about realizing missed opportunities, that I even suffered from insomnia for some years. And all of this was also hurting my relationship, you can imagine.
You see? This is a mix of emotions that can ultimately lead to discuss consent in a relation to seek for second love experiences. With emphasis on consent, because luckily the ones that really love you, can understand why humans with certain personal histories can have certain additional personal needs. I’m confident it’s just one of many fair and emotional reasons to live polyamorous lives, what many of us do (see chart below) let alone the many cultural and religious motivations why people have additional amorous partners. And I also support the ones without consent, because personally, I realize you really need to take into account somebody’s social history and context.
The people (temporarily) settling on open relations, do not need to explain why they do it discretely. As strongly as I can claim people have very sincere and legitimate reasons to use Ashley Madison and nowadays Second Love (or couchsurfing.com, or any other platform that empowers people to discretely establish second relations), as strongly I can claim how severely people with second relations are stigmatized by society. Evidence shows there is a strong stigma towards non-monogamous relations and a “halo effect” surrounding monogamous relationships, even among those who consider themselves to be taking part in an open relationship. A “halo effect” is a bias in which a person is rated positively based on one certain characteristic, like being monogamous (source: Dimming the Halo around Monogamy). Below’s chart shows that even psychotherapists need to be educated to not act biased with regard to CNM (consensual non-monogamy; in other words, an agreed open relationship).
Now back to the tech reporter and the Ashley Madison data set. I tell you because I have checked the data myself this week, with a beer and some good music: you could only identify me as a user if you would check my company’s address in the local Chamber of Commerce, and mirror this to the address I had submitted for Ashley Madison’s credit card payment. So it indicates he had deliberately tracked down somebody’s identity. You can only call that a professional journalistic (and poisonous) activity if you write for a tabloid. Even for a tabloid reporter it becomes ruthless when you check that kind of personal data and you do not treat it confidentially, do not keep it for yourself, but just share it with the person’s professional acquaintances.
Most journalists position themselves as open-minded and progressive. They like to be hailed by the general public, and in the case of tech crime writers, as genius online detectives. I endorse all efforts in tracking down child porn criminals, but I don’t get reporters who are checking innocent people’s names and addresses and are gossiping about them, knowing very well it can damage their lives one way or the other. And yes, to the extent I’m able to figure out how much damage has been done, it was damaging. Now, five years later, I at least understand why this professional acquaintance was since treating me like I never really was one of his acquaintances before.
With special thanks to Sharon Klaassen, Daniël Verlaan, RTL Tech and Remy Gieling.
